i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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