The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
