So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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