Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
