he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My Sexting was not on an AP level
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
