What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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