The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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