I accidentally had phone sex last night
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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