i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
