Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
