I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
