It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
