I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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