Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
