Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize