He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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