My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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