Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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