Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
