I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
