oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
