worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
