Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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