Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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