He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
