no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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