he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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