The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
