i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
