I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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