I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
