I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize