I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
