Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
