I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
