found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
