to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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