I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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