you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Houston, we have a blender
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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