I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
