If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
