I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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