i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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