Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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