The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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