I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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