so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
