so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
