I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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