I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
