i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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