He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
