I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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