Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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