Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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