Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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