i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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