I intend to get homeless drunk
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Come share oat with me in your robe
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
